Bloodbiz
by Nika1
Summary: song fic Muse "Showbiz", angst, depressive stuff, Weiss POV


"Bloodbiz"  
  
Copyrights: Weiss Kreuz is copyrighted by Takehito Koyasu. I own none of this characters. =( Lyrics of the song "Showbiz" is copyrighted by "Muse"  
Author's notes: I invented this fic on my way home. I was just walking and listening to "Muse", and then it came to me. =) The story and its idea belong to me, as well as the title 'Bloodbiz'. Well, I devote this fiction to Rei Ayanami, my best friend, 'cause I know how much she loves "Muse", and I'm thankful to her for bringing me into their music too. ^___^ Thanks. K, here it goes. C&C are appreciated. Send them to aya_sam@tokyo.com   
  
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// Controlling my feelings far too long //  
  
I'm an assassin. I'm a murderer. There is a blood on my hands. I'm a worthless being. I'm not worth of living. I'm not worth of loving. I'm not worth of being loved. I'm sorry, Sakura-chan. We can't be together. I will ruin your life. I will give you no future. I will wreck you. My heart can hold only one love and only one hate. Only my love for Aya-chan and my hate for Takatori Reiji. There is no place for you in my heart...  
The pot with violets slips from my hands and, lending on the floor, crashes into pieces. Everyone in the shop looked at me. My hands were shaking.   
"Maa, Aya-kun! Why are you so clumsy today?" asks Ken, taking the broom to sweep the dirt.  
I look down at yet another innocent life I have ruined and whisper: "Gomen..."  
  
// Forcing our darkest souls to unfold //  
  
I look at the formless body, lying before me.   
Once he was alive. Once it was a living being. Once it was a human. Once he had a family, beloved ones, maybe wife and children, relatives, friends. Once he lived. Until I came. Until I killed him. Until I pierced him with my claws. I know that he wasn't innocent. None of my victims were, but still I feel wrong. I feel empty and tired. Yes, I'm tired of instant danger, of streams of blood on my hands, of endless nightmare, of ruined dreams, of exclusive circle of deaths, theirs and mine...mine and theirs...theirs and mine...  
I fall on my knees and shiver: "Will this ever end?"  
  
// And pushing us into self destruction //  
  
I smell like blood and death. I hate this smell. I prefer smelling like alcohol and cigarettes. Maybe that's why I smoke one after another - to get rid of that smell, which arouses the bloody pictures of murder in my memory. I stalk into yet another bar. Enter it's gloomy, smoked all over hall and find some remote spot before the counter. I order beer and smoke another cigarette. I continue drinking and smoking and allow my thoughts to draw away. Lazily I gaze over the crowd in the bar, thinking that none of these people can ever suspect a murderer in me. None.  
"Anou, daijobu des ka?"  
"Hn?" I look up and see a young woman before me, she touches my sleeve.   
"There is blood on your sleeve." And she points on to the strain of blood on the right sleeve of my T-shirt. "Are you hurt?"  
I swallow a limp in my throat and manage a smile. "Saa, daijobu, koneko! By the way, wanna drink?"  
  
// They make me, make me dream your dreams //  
// They make me, make me scream your screams //  
  
I am lying on my bed on the back, watching the celing, my hands over my head, the earphones plunged into my ears.  
I still can't believe it. It's been a year since I learned about my true identity, but still I can't live with it. Seems like, the fate doesn't like me. I mean, I appeared to be Takatori Reiji's sibling, of all people! HIS son! Me, the one, who stands on the side of the justice, and my father... SHIT! How much I hate it! How much I hate him! How much I hate him being my father! How much I hate KNOWING that he is my father! Or rather was... I also hate him for Ouka being my sister. I can't forgive him that. I can't forgive him being her father. And mine... Persia! Manx! They knew all this! And still they made me an assassin. Maybe Persia thought, one day I would kill Takatori Reiji, my own father. He hoped so, being Takatori himself... Geez, how much I hate them ALL!!!  
Angrily I roll on the stomach and cover my head with my pillow. It's good, that I have the earphones in my ears, I won't hear my sobs through the music...  
  
// Trying to please you far too long //  
  
Is it morning already? I didn't notice the night slipped away. Was I awake? Or I just awoke? I don't remember. It seems like I've been lying here with my eyes closed for eternity. I wonder if I'm in my bed... and if I'm alone...  
Somebody shifts beside me, and the warm hand nuzzles my bare waist.   
Guess not. Wonder who is it? And where has I picked her up? I don't remember.  
I open my eyes and see the slim body near mine, covered with blankets. The dark blue haired head lies on my shoulder. Something is familiar about her to me. Maybe the color of her hair? Or the way she cuddles near me? Or maybe that little mole on her cheek?..   
ASUKA?  
I don't realize that I'm saying this aloud. The woman opens her eyes, and stares at me with impossible yellow jades. "My name is Chris, forgot? Who is Asuka?"  
It isn't her. Of course, it isn't. She is dead, Youji, remember? And you are responsible for her death...  
"Get off."  
"What?" -the woman stares at me, not believing.  
"I said get off!"  
"You were more gentle this night, yer know." - she said slowly rising from the bed.  
"GET FUCKIN" OFF!"  
"Fuck you!" she yells slamming the door after herself.  
Yes, leave me alone. Everybody leave me alone. I want to be alone with Asuka and my memories...  
  
// Visions of greed you wallow //  
  
Sometimes... Yes, sometimes I wonder what do they think about me?  
I gaze at my comrades, each occupied with his own work about the flower shop.  
Do they really believe that I do everything for money? Don't they think that I can have someone, about whom I care? I'm sure, none of them will ever wonder, what for do I need these money... these bloodstained money. I need them for my sister. To pay the bills in the hospital. Damn! I'm not the monster! I do have a heart! But only for my imouto. Only for her...   
I wonder, what do they really see in me...  
  
// They make me, make me dream your dreams //  
  
I won't ever admit it to anyone, but I'm still having dreams about Kase, about how I killed him. I know, he was such a fucking bastard, but still he was my best friend. I still remember those days in J-league, when after the game, he would come up to me and say something like: "Hey, Ken, that was great! New Maradona, huh?" And I would answer "Kase! He was an attacker, and I'm a goal-keeper!" "Ah, nevermind. Here's yer water." And then he betrayed me. He crushed my dream. He crushed and dismissed me. He made me think that he was dead, and feel sorry for it. He made me miss him. That bastard. I wish I never met him again. I wish I never had to kill him. I wish he never betrayed me. I wish I never...  
  
// They make me, make me scream your screams //  
  
We are on the mission. Again. It seems like a non stop circle of killings, bandits, us, evil, good, etc. And the blood. Non stop stream of blood. Ours, our victims', innocents'. Blood evrywhere...  
"What's the matter, Bombay?"  
"It's...it's nothing, Balinese. I'm coming."  
I dunno why I'm still in this. Why I am still in Weiss. Maybe to find the truth. I hope I'll find one. The one that suits me more.  
  
// Controlling my feelings far too long //  
  
"Damn, Aya! Why are you so reckless?!"  
I'm standing over the dead body. This guy has almost killed me a moment ago. But now HE is dead.  
You ask why am I doing this? I'm doing this for the sake of the own I love. It's the all that I live for. I wonder, why do they...  
"And why are you still in Weiss?" My question doesn't surprise Ken. Seems like he was waiting for it.  
Why...?  
  
// Forcing our darkest souls to unfold //  
  
It's strange to hear such question from the one like Aya. But what do we really know about him?  
"To accomplish my own revenge..."  
Yes, Aya, not only you can have some secrets...  
  
// And pushing us into self destruction //  
  
"I always wanted to ask..."  
"Hn?" I peer at the younger boy through my glasses questioningly.   
He shifts in the seat of my car as we are driving back from the mission, then looks up at me with his big blue eyes and asks: "Why have you joined Weiss, Youji-kun?"  
That makes me feel uncomfortable.  
How can I tell him about Asuka? How can I unleash these dark memories? How can I remember her voice again?  
"Dunno, Omi. Maybe to find the meaning of life..."  
Omi looks at me with big surprised eyes.  
Not what you expected to hear, ne, Omi? We can still surprise each other.  
"I understand you, Youji-kun..."  
"Huh?"  
Really we do...   
  
// They make me, make me dream your dreams //  
// They make me, make me scream your screams //  
  
  



End file.
